STEALTH CONSULTING - we exist, probably
STATUS: currently operational (citation needed)
CLIENTS: you wouldn't know them, they go to another school
EXPERTISE: making computers do things, occasionally the right things
AVAILABILITY: maybe
We are a HIGHLY SELECTIVE technology consulting firm that exclusively works with private clients who:
Our team once reverse-engineered the McDonald's ice cream machine protocol and got it working for exactly 47 minutes before corporate lawyers made us stop. We cannot provide documentation of this achievement for legal reasons, but it definitely happened. Trust us.
We also may or may not have been responsible for that brief period in 2019 when all the traffic lights in downtown San Francisco were perfectly synchronized. The city claims it was "routine maintenance" but we know the truth.
| Service | Description | Availability |
| Architecture Review | We'll tell you why your system is held together with digital duct tape | Always |
| Performance Optimization | Making your code run faster than "eventually" | When we feel like it |
| Security Audit | Explaining why "password123" is not adequate enterprise security | Depends on how bad your security is |
| Legacy System Migration | Convincing your COBOL mainframe to play nice with modern systems | Only on days ending in 'y' |
| DevOps Consulting | Teaching your developers that "works on my machine" is not deployment | Rarely |
Lead Engineer: Has committed code that is still running in production somewhere,
possibly by accident. Knows at least 17 programming languages,
masters none. Once fixed a bug by staring at it really hard.
Systems Architect: Can draw network diagrams that look professional but may or
may not represent reality. Expert in explaining why "it's
complicated" to stakeholders.
Security Specialist: Paranoid enough to be useful. Assumes everything is
compromised until proven otherwise. Refuses to use
cloud services owned by companies that rhyme with "Smamazon."
Data Engineer: Speaks fluent SQL, broken Python, and can make Excel do things
that violate the Geneva Convention. Once created a pivot table
so complex it achieved sentience.
"They fixed our distributed system in a way that we still don't understand, but it works now. We're afraid to touch anything." - Anonymous Fortune 500 CTO
"I'm not entirely sure they actually exist, but our infrastructure runs better since we started paying them." - Startup Founder (probably)
"They told us our architecture was 'a crime against computer science' and then fixed it. We're still not sure if we should thank them or report them." - Government Agency (redacted)
If you think you might be worthy of our services, email: [email protected]
Include in your inquiry:
Note: We reserve the right to ignore emails that start with "I have an idea that will revolutionize..." or contain the phrase "it's like Uber but for..."
This website may or may not comply with various internet regulations. We don't use cookies because we don't care about your browsing habits. If you're in the EU and upset about GDPR compliance, consider this our artistic interpretation of regulatory conformance.
All achievements listed are approximately true, give or take several orders of magnitude. No actual ice cream machines were harmed in the making of our reputation. Traffic light synchronization claims are neither confirmed nor denied by municipal authorities.
If you are a lawyer, please note that this entire page is performance art and should be interpreted as such. If you are not a lawyer, please carry on.
Last updated: whenever we remembered to
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This site is intentionally terrible